January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
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My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet