Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
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*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?