Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
How about daylight saves us for once
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?