I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
You Might Also Like
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks