AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
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I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.