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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
i really liked this one
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!