[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
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I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Seems legit
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Help Wanted
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.