If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
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As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid