*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
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[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer