[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
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My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Basketball
just got my engagement photos
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft