HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet