BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
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me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me