I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.