I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
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*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Pot warmers of the day.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back