The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
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I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
This made me chuckle.
couldn’t resist
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture