My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
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Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
what’s more important?
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My therapist after every session
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know