Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
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being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
*me flirting
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.