WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
You Might Also Like
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.