as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
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According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
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Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
“I wouldn’t.”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open