I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
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To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
some things should go without saying
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
🙅🏻
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.