Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
You Might Also Like
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Sorry not sorry.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.