Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
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my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.