ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
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“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
OH. COME. ON.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.