I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
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There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]