I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles