It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
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God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy