McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
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[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you