Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
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My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Breaking news:
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Thursday
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*