Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
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The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Seems legit
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.