Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
You Might Also Like
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
barbara was highly relatable
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.