Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
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You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Beware of fowl play.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
A family that plays together cheats.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me