Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
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I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.