If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
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Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago