“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
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How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line