My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins