Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
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Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.