Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
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I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!