Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
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It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake