Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
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[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.