I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
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me when the borders lift
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Britain be like
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
When your man makes a valid point
yeah no that’s fair
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby