After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
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I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy