I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
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The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
don’t be scared
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence