eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
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DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.