*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
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You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me