[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
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I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
💁🏻♂️
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*