I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
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Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Sex so good you see dead people.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.