Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
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Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Beware of the dog..
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
based al yankovic
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?