Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
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Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.