I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
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Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.