Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Good Morning.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.